How it Began
I wrapped my fingers more tightly around the cup of coffee I was sipping from, and took a deep breath, trying to formulate the correct response to the question I had been asked. I had been sitting with my counselor, again lamenting my singleness and the types of men I perceived I was attracting.
"Why do I always attract men I'm not interested in? Or worse, why do the men I like not reciprocate?"
It had become a common theme in my life. How uncomfortable I felt around single (especially hot and single) men.
"I have no problem talking to and making eye contact with other women, with kids, married men, and men that I don't find attractive. But when it comes to a guy I find attractive, forget it. I can't - I look away, embarrassed. Shy. Vulnerable. Uncomfortable in my own skin."
And now to answer her piercing question - "why?"
I didn't know how to answer. I was 32, living in NYC, confident, full of life, goals and plans for the future. I had embarked on a journey of emotional healing, and for all intents and purposes shouldn't struggle with basic eye contact.
She proposed "what if you just practice making eye contact with guys you find attractive. Try it and see what happens."
She may as well have proposed that I jump off the Empire State Building, because it sounded that insane to me at the time.
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(That's me, not jumping off the ESB, although jumping on a NYC roof is probably just as risky)
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Around the same time I started watching some of Mat Boggs' videos on YouTube (he's a relationship coach) and he had a message for women saying that we need to walk with our heads high and with a posture of openness; you never know where you may meet your guy, and if you walk around with a defeatist attitude, head down and barely acknowledging anyone, how do you expect to ever meet your guy?
Solid advice, right? Just keep your head up, look around and make some simple eye contact. Still, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not really. I'd notice a cute guy, and look away if by some miracle he chanced to return the glance. Within a couple of days I was back to my regular routines of just generally ignoring hot guys (and there's a plenty of them in this city!).
Fast forward several months. I got to hear a "Single in the City" panel with women in their 30s and 40s who were living out their callings, passions and purposes in this crazy city - and who also wanted to date with integrity and honor. One of the speakers, Kat Harris (The Refined Woman on social media) spoke - about eye contact!
For her, she said, her reluctance to look cute guys in the eye stemmed from her own feelings of worth and insecurity. Walking around with closed body language and posture likely made her seem unapproachable. She resolved to make eye contact with these guys and challenged others to do the same.
I figured, "well, it didn't kill her. She's still alive. So maybe, just maybe, this is worth revisiting."
So here goes. This blog. This challenge. The results. My observations. My feelings. The lessons I learn. I decided to create a 3x3x30 model:
3 Attractive Men a Day
3 Days a Week
for
30 Days
And then write about what happened.
I guess you never know.
Eye contact humanizes. It's vulnerable, and intimate and also so valuable.
I resolve:
- to look up from my screen more
- to pay attention
- to make eye contact and smile when I see a handsome stranger
- to not judge my own feelings or emotions when they come up
- to just be in the moment
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